Shaking, pushing, choking, painfully grabbing and kicking can also be physical abuse. Verbal or emotional abuse can happen if someone yells at you all the time, calls you mean names or threatens to leave you or have you adopted. All kids deserve to have adults in their lives who love and support them as they grow up. It's common for parents to get angry with their kids once in a while, but if there's yelling , punishing and threatening too much of the time, you can start feeling really bad about yourself.
And just like with physical forms of abuse, it's a good idea to tell a trusted adult this is happening. Advice not to make my father so angry.
I was lucky and found places to stay with friends as I finished high school and then moved km away and put myself through university. Please just take this as more encouragement to leave. Listen to your mom — she had your best interests at heart. Which speaks to a whole host of other issues I have, but that is neither here nor there. Remember Hurricane Irene, and how everyone was advised to have one of those together? Well, consider this a non-natural disaster bag for abuse.
Make sure no one knows where it is besides you. Change where the hiding place is every few days. Include in it: birth certificate, passport if you have one , banking information, etc.
You may want to keep this in a location outside of your house, where you can get it any time of the day or night. Second, your bank account. Do your parents have access to it? Do they know about it? Well, change that.
Open an account at another bank or credit union. Third, income. Do you have a job? If not, can you get one? Stash every last cent in your new and secret bank account. This will be your fund for housing, etc. Fourth, mail. Open up a P. Your father hit you—do you think he will respect your privacy? Boxes, but they may send mail to a PO Box if they have a street address for you?
At any rate, ask. Make sure you change your email passwords and passwords to anything else accounts, etc. For example, nightgown.
Then change it in a month nightgown to reflect that date. If your family has a communal computer, do not use it. If you have a laptop, keep it under lock and key. Be out of the house a lot. By a lot, I mean, every day, from very early in the morning to very late at night, weekends included. And if your father flips his shit on you for coming home too late or not spending enough time with the family, grab your bug out bag or head to where it is and get gone, at least for a while.
And yes, remember to repeat to yourself every day, several times a day, that this is not your fault, you are not a disruptive influence on the family, that your father is being manipulative and abusive, and that you do not deserve this treatment. Not much to say except to wish the LW all the best in this terrible situation.
Also, you lot are amazing. Especially Marie. It was heartbreaking. I agree with what CAwkward said as well as the others who gave you pointers on how to deal, especially Jennifer and Marie. In the end, YOU have to decide what to do but definitely use the resources posted to help you decide what that is.
I wish you luck…please keep us posted. For the LW: I am so sorry that you had to write this letter. I am sorry that your father behaves this way. This is not a typical family dynamic, not at all. This is verbal and emotional and now physical abuse. My parents were controlling and I got into screaming matches with my father as a teenager but I never once thought he would hit me, nor did he tear down my self-esteem.
This situation is not your fault. Your father is an adult. He should know how to conduct himself without hitting and belittling people. I wish you the very best, no matter what you decide. You deserve to be safe and healthy and happy. I had an ex who, in hindsight, had a lot of behaviors in our relationship and after we broke up that were abusive or, really, just downright childish. What I learned from that is my only bit of insight into this situation but something I think is really, really incredibly important to internalize:.
He will try to peg you as the destructive force whether it is outright stating it or subtly implying it. LW, your father is a grown-ass man. Your father is not a weapon, or an inanimate object, or an animal who has no agency of their own and can only do damage when someone else causes them to.
HE is a person with agency who is being the destructive force here, not you. Seemed to me like a completely reasonable response to me. You want to look out for her! There is nothing about that statement that one could reasonably respond to with anger, let alone what your father did. Abusers carefully lay long, long years of minor abuses as the groundwork for getting the big stuff through, and you might recognize some of that here. Just wanted to add my voice to the others wishing the LW luck and love in finding a way to look after themselves in this situation.
I have no advice, but I just had to say that I read this at work and almost started crying because it reminds me SO MUCH of my dad and our relationships with him except for the hitting part. I just know that if I had lived at home throughout college, it would have ended with him hitting me too, so I know pretty well how the original poster is feeling though you can never say you know exactly how someone is feeling —everyone feels and reacts to things in their own unique way.
It is worth the necessity of taking out loans and being in student debt. My dad never got help so I still have no real relationship with him. We talk acquaintance-style about books we both like to read, and that is pretty much it.
I can leave and walk away whenever I want. That takes the power away from him and allows you to control the situation to some extent. His interactions with you are now on your terms, not his. I think we should be very careful about advising anyone, even someone living in an abusive household, to go into debt.
But at least in the United States, student debt is a pretty big problem right now, compounded by very high unemployment for young adults. It sounds like Mom is willing to help — pursue that opportunity! Being financially dependent sucks, but having your own space does help. It also might be more financially feasible to get your own place than you realize. This is one reason why getting help from professional outsiders is important; they can help you evaluate your situation more objectively.
You may be less financially dependent on your dad than you think. And a little asking goes a long way when it comes to finding creative solutions through friends, professors, etc.
This is definitely a case for campus financial aid. Then contact your financial aid office to explain your situation. One of the girls in my reading group was successfully granted independent student status after explaining the emotionally abusive situation in her household of origin. The loan option might work for the LW. Finding a scholarship to help the LW with tuition might help fastweb.
Dropping out and getting a job and going back to school later might work. Ultimately, only the LW can tell what will work for hir. But I hope you know, LW, that whatever is best for you, there ARE options aside from simply shouldering the misplaced blame and weathering the storm. Um, not to say that weathering the storm in your own way is not an option as well, as Marie eloquently pointed out above.
This comment is probably not relevant to the LW in this case, but it does concern me that people would recommend taking on debt to someone who is currently dependent on an abusive parent, without considering how that could make the problem worse down the road. I would say, if a person is comfortable taking on debt, ok! Do it!
Not good. My mother abused me consistently from age 13 to At 19, we got into an altercation on the highway. I got out of the car once traffic slowed to a crawl. She abandoned the car on the road and came roaring after me. Police came. She left. No charges. I dropped out of school. I had a shitty life for 9 month couch-surfing and generally being homeless. I was out of touch with my family for 4 years. I got a job with health insurance.
I found an apartment. I recovered… and excelled. I went to a good local school on student loans. On graduation, my parents came to watch me walk down the aisle. They bought me a car. The point is, I made it to college eventually. My life was so much better when I went. Instead of struggling by with Ds, I got a 4. I firmly believe that people think we ought to do things in a specific order, and that order can lead to heartbreak.
Drop out of school. Crash with friends. Find a job. I second this. My parents were abusive. They also liked to control by holding the purse-strings. I ended up going to college on a scholarship. We have a good relationship now, my parents and I. Largely because I owe them nothing, and I live in another state.
My History: 18 years of a very complicated psychologically abusive relationship, with someone who was also very socially adept, charming and manipulative. I still like lots of things about this person — but the abuse that escalated after a crisis is a giant BUT that colors everything not in a good way.
It is possible to still love your father but hate his behavior. My perspective: it is important for you to sort out what YOU need to do to survive right now. You know what is right for you. Many people here have made excellent, constructive suggestions. This includes well meaning, but untrained in DV therapists. I suggest that you speak with a domestic violence hotline for more information, resources that can help you, and support.
Reading books about abuse also really helped me to understand and recognize abuse for what it is. He has only physically assaulted you once, but is certainly sounds like there was an ongoing pattern of emotional abuse happening in the household.
Abuse can be one isolated incident — but it generally is a pattern. It also usually escalates over time. I read and re-read several books that really helped me. These books are aimed at women in a romantic relationship with men, but the behavior and tactics can certainly apply to same sex couples, family members, bosses, etc. Get them from your library, or if you can afford it, buy a used copy.
Tell your mother and sister about them, too. It is affecting their lives, too. I know this through experience. It comes by going to the people who are trained to help and doing what they say to do.
I know this through experience, too. If possible, try getting out of the house for at least a week. Stay with friends or at school or have your Mom spring for a cheap hotel room. I say this because when I was in my own abusive situation I had been there for so long that the reality of it had just seeped down into my very bones. I could not picture being away from it.
By sheer coincidence there was a week-long family thing in another country and it was exactly what I needed. By being out of the environment I could get a feel for what living without it was like.
I could also see just how much of my life was being affected. Plus the advantage of a week is that it gives you some breathing room on making any big scary decisions. Maybe you move out forever, maybe you move back in with ground rules, maybe something else. When the reality is that people are, in fact, allowed to change their minds. I was there once, too. Luckily, my mother had divorced him years earlier, but he was going to pay for my college.
I had to be nice. He was emotionally abusive more than anything with me. Easy with me- I worshiped him. When I started to stand up for myself, he threatened to disown me to get me to back down.
The student loans were completely worth it. The other is: It is in no way your fault. Your temper is not a reason to yell at you like that. Happiness matters! It is a legitimate goal! It is such a legitimate goal that the Declaration of Independence refers to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness as inalienable rights!
Oh my gosh, this is so important. How superficial! You can do that? Living happily and peacefully and without your shoulders up around your ears and without listening for the sounds that tell you where somebody is in the house, those are all good enough reasons to go.
It really goes just like that. Hi everyone, Letter Writer here. They see themselves as beleaguered heroes. Apparently this morning my dad went and scheduled an appointment with a therapist, with no prompting from anyone. My mom says he realized he needs help. Christ, finally. So gross, right? It hurts to think of him as an abuser. Thank you so much for replying to my letter and thanks to all the commenters who shared, it means so much to me.
I am very, VERY grateful for the update and to hear that things are moving in the right directions and that both your immediate safety and the ability to get out of the house for the coming semester are both handled.
I am so glad to hear that you are safe and that your college may have a room for you. Thank you so much for updating us! This is not your fault.
It definitely can. I think abusers use it as a threat, and it can be clearly heard as one. A non-abuser would say it in a very different tone.
Really, all the rest of it is secondary still important, but secondary. Whether you think of him as an abuser? Whether he gets some help through therapy?
So secondary. You are getting a safe place. That is the best ever. All the rest will now have the time and space and safety to be worked out. Just wanted to say a quick thing about therapy.
In that Lundy Bancroft book, he talks about running group therapy sessions with abusers. One guy went on and on about how he had had this breakthrough in therapy about his intimacy and anger issues.
My ex had also been totally against therapy, and totally against treatment he had a drug problem. But I am saying: listen only to the results, not the promises and hope.
If he tries to put any therapy ghosts between your face and his hand, therapy is just a new tactic, not a fundamental change. Wow — I so strongly agree with what you have written about this. Sometimes bad or inappropriate therapy is worse than no therapy at all.
Here is a link to an essay about what is very wrong with the co-dependency model and domestic violence:. Boundaries do not equal barricades. There seems to be a very consistent pattern for the inability of the abuser to acknowledge that the ultimate responsibility for abuse is theirs alone.
There is a lot of research that seems to have proven that child abuse directed towards males can often result in creating a man who is more likely to abuse his partner.
It is easy to feel sad for them, about their uncontrollable history — even though it is the contradiction of basic common sense. They were victimized — so why would the default setting be to re-victimize a person who they claim to love? Therefore it was a terrible way to buy time. So proud of you for coming forward and talking about this. SO proud of you for thinking about how you can make things better for yourself.
These are big, BIG steps, and you are already helping yourself heal. Necessary Necessary. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website.
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I felt that fear even when he didn't hit me. When I was about 11, I received a "P" for poor conduct on my Hebrew school report card. Now, I was a good kid at regular school, but, man, I hated Hebrew school. It bored the hell out of me, and I could not stop talking and cracking jokes. When my dad came home that night and saw my report card, he called me downstairs to the basement. The basement isn't a good room to get called to.
It's not where you get congratulated. My knees were weak. I looked up at my dad. His face was a dark cloud. I was terrified. He told me if I ever got a grade like that again, I'd be sorry. Then he told me to get upstairs.
A few years later, when I was a junior in high school, I'd been smoking outside of school, and burned my forefinger and middle finger on the orange-hot end of the cigarette. That night, in the middle of dinner, my dad looked at me and said, "What happened to your finger?
Or something. Out loud! I remember actually wincing, waiting for my father to explode.
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